Anyone who follows my writing at all will know I've been actively playing the Free to Play stealth looter shooter Vigor for the past year. I've spend quite a lot of time on it, and overall enjoy the game quite a lot. It's been, for the most part, a good time.
I completed my Season 8 Battle Pass for Vigor yesterday (as of time of writing). It was something I was anticipating, and looking forward to. It's the first time I've completed the seasonal Battle Pass, despite having come close before, and I was actually quite excited for the achievement this would represent. I got into the encounter I knew was going to push me over the line, diligently scavenged and snuck around the map, then escaped safely after a brief encounter with an opponent. I saw the line go up, and was told "Maximum Level reached".
Since realising I was going to complete this one (it's a longer season than usual and I've played roughly 30-60 minutes a day for the past few months) I was looking forward to it. To knowing I'd finally got everything out of one of these, all the cosmetics, all the in-game currency, all the cool rewards. That I'd get what I'd been working towards, the ultimate end goal of every in-game season. That I'd get a little title for my character that showed what I'd done. Cool.
The moment the line was crossed and I hit Level 50, the highest level this season, something fell away. I knew I'd done it, I knew I'd just been given all these rewards and cosmetics and such for completing the pass, but all the excitement and anticipation left me and I felt...empty. Like I'd just made some terrible mistake.
I tried playing a couple more games, but something still felt off. Without this thing to aim for, why was I bothering? And why was I so excited to do this in the first place? Was this something worth being excited about.
In the Dark Souls series, a person living under the Curse of the Undead is destined to live indefinitely until they forget their identity and purpose, and go Hollow, becoming an empty vessel from which there is no return. The player characters, it is assumed, do not ever go fully hollow because they have yet to complete the story of the game and therefore lose their sense of purpose. They're driven forward forever by virtue of being a protagonist, their victories rejuvenate them and restore their sense of being.
But do they finally hollow when we relinquish our agency over them? Once we do all that is to be done, when they complete their final tasks? In an effort to stave off this hollowing we can even travel back in time and do the whole thing again but harder, anything to avoid confronting an absence of purpose.
We see the results of this in many of the characters we meet in game. In Knight Solaire, Siegmeyer of Catarina, Lucatiel of Mirrah- they all eventually lose their purpose, their hope, and their identity throughout the course of these games. They lose track of their goals, their true desires, and in doing so lose who they are.
I 'accomplished' something that took me ages to do, was excited to do, and took some level of patience, skill, and persistence. But sometimes when we complete our goals, we realise that we've never thought in much detail about why we wanted to do them in the first place. Was this actually any achievement at all? Did I have good reason for doing this? What do I do now? Was I foolish for expecting this to be at all satisfying? What's left? What else could I have done instead 'achieving' something deeply unsatisfying? Have I wasted my time? This sucks!
I've spent almost 400 hours on the game Vigor in the past year. Is this the culmination of all that time spent- just a feeling of emptiness, a loss of purpose, a reassessment of identity. What part of me really cared about this game? Where's that part that motivated me to get involved in the community around it? Do I still care about it now? What's happening here?
There's a week until the next Vigor Season starts. I have enough in-game currency for the next Battle Pass. I've been saving up reward crates to get a head start on the XP gains for the season. But now I don't know if I actually want to play any more. And I don't know why, all I know is that the moment I hit Level 50, the whole thing seemed pointless. Like a trick. A bad joke. A waste of time, and of life. A fools errand that hastens the hollowing. What do I do now?
I don't know. Maybe I'll stop playing this game. Maybe I'll carry on but harder and live out the same loop but in a slightly different way. Maybe I'll figure out why this stupid game has led me to feel like this.
Whatever happens, I felt it was necessary to write this, as it's been a profoundly unexpected, strange, and unpleasant experience. And I really don't know why.
(Originally Posted 10/08/2021)